


A Way of Life

by mylesowahudson



Category: Pentatonix, Superfruit
Genre: Depression, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-07-18 18:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16124240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylesowahudson/pseuds/mylesowahudson
Summary: Sudden death of Mitch's sister turned his life upside down and led to him almost leaving this world too. When he changes school to 'start over' he meets someone who seems to be a perfect cure for his condition. Scott is funny, loyal and caring, almost ideal. Is it enough to help Mitch?





	1. Life, it seems, will fade away

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise! New fanfic, yes, yes, exactly! This one is a long one, so expect at least 10 chapters. I'm really excited for this story but I don't promise weekly updates ;) Enjoy!  
> xoxo

A young, small boy entered the school building. His bangs were hiding his left eye and half of the forehead. He was wearing a long, oversized hoodie which sleeves were going far beyond his hands, hiding his wrapped with bandages wrists. He stopped in the main hall, looking at his timetable just to start searching for the room where he was supposed to have his first period this day. It was English literature in the room 339, on the first floor. His steps were loud in the quiet corridor as he came in the middle of the first lesson. He already hated this school but he was also glad to have a “fresh start”. Leaving the fact that probably all of his teachers already knew that the new kid had had a suicide attempt just a month ago and was now under the psychiatrist custody... It could be better than the last time.  
Not that he wanted it to be. When he cut his wrists in the bathroom in his own home, he wasn't thinking about how hard he wanted to live. No. He actually wanted to die so badly, he left a list for his parents containing what kind of coffin, flowers and suit he would like to have on his funeral. Sadly, he was forced to live and he hated every second of that. His therapist was sure that new school and being able to perform again will be a miracle for his mental health and maybe some new friends, and oh, also, how about moving out from his town to some shitty new one in Texas? Yeah, and probably forbidding him to contact his best friend, Kody, should also help. She was bad for him anyway, right? She never said anything to his parents when Mitch had been talking about killing himself for weeks. Fuck the fact that he told her not to and she was too scared to do so... And we cannot forget the best thing – signing him up to the choir here, against his will, would be super great for Mitch. Sure. Who cares that he stopped singing couple months ago and hates every second he hears any music?  
Funny, because he was in the art profile. You know, piano, painting, literature and two hours of dancing every week. Also some math and history, cause creative kids need to work and actually have money for living.  
His therapist ignored his threat about cutting himself again if anybody will force him to sing, smiling widely when they saw each other last time. Luckily he was going to have a new one soon, that woman was a trash anyway. Who the fuck asks the kid how he feels three days after he tried to die?! The question about reason was also funny. What made you to do so, Mitch? Were there your friends? Was it the fact you are gay? Or maybe was it the fact that your sister died? She actually died half a year ago and Mitch had time to grief, but yes, sure, it must have been that. Or maybe... Okay, that was a valid point. But it was not the main one and Mitch didn't like talking about it. Nobody knew why and it was the best option. He didn't even tell his parents. They were blaming Elli for that but it wasn't her fault that she died. And it was not the fact that they were together that day, she and Mitch. It was a nice day, actually. They were on a trip and she was teaching Mitch how to drive. They had lunch later, these awesome burgers Mitch forgot the name of. He remembered she stained her pants and they were laughing at that. And then they went to the lake to relax a little. She was picking small stones and made a heart on a sand with them. They had a photo taken, selfie actually. She was beautiful, long hair and bright smile and Mitch looked like a potato with his bangs on his face. They were driving back home late and she said they could stop and stargaze a little. That was a pretty lonely road, not many cars passing bye. It was dark and she didn't see a trench on the side of the road. She was walking backwards, smiling and telling him how beautiful the stars where. Mitch didn't even notice that she had tripped until she disappeared from his sight. He called her twice but there was no answer.  
His therapist asked him hundreds of times if it's a trauma for him, that night. Mitch didn't know how many people could say that they saw their own sister laying at the bottom of a cemented trench with her head in the puddle of blood, with spine twisted like tree branches. Did the police come? Well, yeah, Mitch called 911. Police came just because. They were asking weird questions. When did that happen? How could he know, he was sitting and staring at her body for quite some time. Did someone push her? Sure, those people who are here. They were alone, are they stupid? Did Mitch push her? Sure, she was just his sister, why wouldn't he, right? They took Ellie to the hospital, although Mitch already knew there was nothing they could do. Policeman called his parents and took Mitch to the police station. What happened then? Who cares. That is not important.   
Mitch hadn't let even one tear slip for days. He didn't cry when they announced officially that she's dead, he didn't cry at the funeral and after. The only time he let himself tear up was during the concert at the end of a school year, when his choir teacher let him perform a song just for Ellie, only Mitch and his piano. He chose her favourite song, ironically, “If I Die Young”. He made through the first stanza perfectly, then ever prettier the refrain... It was the second one that broke him. “There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever. Who would have thought forever could be severed by”. He sang that verse and suddenly stopped, his throat blocked, tears streaming down his face. The silence was overwhelming. A quiet sob escaped his throat, doubled by a microphone. Nobody moved, waiting. Mitch bit his lip, wanting really badly to finish his performance, but he couldn't make himself sing. So he just played on the piano till the end and then took a bow, getting huge standing ovation. He hasn't sung since that day.   
So yeah, pushing him into the choir could be the 'best' idea of his therapist, but Mitch didn't really have a chance to argue. His parents would probably watch him 24 per 7 if they could and followed every advice they could get just to make Mitch feel better. But he didn't want to. He wanted to die and nothing could change that. When anyone asked him, he answered the same every time. Do you still want to die? Yes. Why? Because.   
Was he checked every evening by his mum for fresh cuts? Yes, he was. Was he dragged to psychiatrist once a week and therapist three times a week? Yes, he was. Was he assured he was loved? Yup. Not that it changed anything.   
Where was he? Ah, English literature in 15 minutes. Yes. That was the room so he could sit and put on his headphones. It wasn't music, no way. He was watching a documentary about a girl who was addicted to eating glass earlier and he really wanted to finish it. It was warm in the building but he really didn't want to show off his wounded hands. They were really nasty, he must've admitted. Both arms, from the inner part of the elbow down to his hands were covered in deep cuts, some of them still had stitches on them. After a month Mitch knew, he should've done it with pills, that would be quicker. He wanted his next try to be with pills. That seemed really nice way to die. Peaceful. He couldn't do it yet, tho, as he was watched by everyone. There will be time, soon enough.   
The bell rang and tons of students filled up the corridors, running for the next lesson or calmly walk to a free period. The bench he was sitting was empty but soon a petite blond girl sat next to him, smiling sheepishly. Mitch smiled back, taking off his headphones. He didn't want to be rude.  
\- Hi – her voice was quiet, but really warm and nice – I'm Kirstie.  
\- Mitch – he nodded, turning off his phone.   
\- Are you the new kid?  
\- Yeah – he fixed his bangs, focusing his sight on his shoes.  
\- How do you like here so far?  
\- The school is huge. But it's okay – he shrugged.  
\- If you want... You can sit with me during lunch. You know, so you don't have to deal with those strangers – she smiled at him again, small dimples forming in her cheeks.  
\- Thanks, yeah.  
\- What profile are you on?  
\- Art.   
\- Oh great, me too! Where are you from?  
\- Arizona. You?  
\- From here, actually. Texas is where I was born.  
\- That's okay I guess.  
\- Not so bad – she giggled – Why are you changing school in October, when the school year has already started?  
\- I... moved.   
\- Why?  
\- Reasons – he turned away his gaze. Kirstin bit her lip.  
\- Okay, you don't have to tell me. Come on, let's sit in class, you can choose a place – she took his hand and pulled him into the classroom. It was spacey and full of light – I sit here – she showed him a sit in the right row, next to the window – The one behind me is free if you want.  
\- Yeah, sure – he put his bag there.  
\- You're not much of a talker, huh? - she smiled, fixing her hair.  
\- No, not really – he chuckled a little – Sorry.  
\- It's okay, I'm actually shy too. I just noticed you look timid so...   
\- Yeah – he nodded awkwardly. She was being nice, it was just Mitch who couldn't really talk to people.  
\- So... - Kirstie looked unsure – Is your next period art?  
\- Yeah, two hours. Is it like painting?  
\- Yeah. Every form of visual art actually, it's pretty cool. We basically do whatever we feel like.   
\- Great.   
\- It is – she took a pencil case and a notebook from her bag – We're doing The Great Gatsby now. Do you have a copy?  
\- No – Mitch pulled at a piece of skin at his thumb – I didn't know I need one.   
\- It's okay. We can go to the library and borrow one.   
\- There's no time...  
\- We have ten minutes, it's right here. Come on – they went to the library. Indeed, it wasn't very far away. It was huge and Mitch made a mental note where to go when he would need some silence. Kirstie needed to use her member card because Mitch hadn't have one yet but she said it was completely fine. They came back right when the ball rang. Mitch wondered if the teacher is going to do all this shit with welcoming a new student. Fortunately, the teacher (old, nice lady, Ms. Tany) just said Mitch is new and asked to be nice to him and that was it. Then she asked them to open page 59 and focus on the dialog they could find there. 

 

* * *

Scott's biology lesson was a pain in the ass like usual. He regretted choosing it instead of history since the beginning but never changed it. It was not the lessons that was hell, but the teacher. Boring, old teacher who often forgot that they already had this chapter done like three times. But okay, his grades were perfect and sometimes he even got some nice nap if he was lucky.  
Fortunately, after this boring 45 minutes came his favourite class. Choir. Two hours filled with singing, something he loved the most. They were currently doing some Broadway pieces and he was hoping for another solo, as the best baritone in school. He came in the classroom and waved at his friends: Mick, Kevin and Bonnie. He also nodded at Kirstie. He knew that quiet girl just because they had a duet together a month or two ago and they needed to meet up couple time to rehearse. She was cool but didn't fit him and his personality, so they rarely talked. However, today next to her sat small kid with dark bangs falling on his forehead. Kirstin was telling him something and he was nodding. She looked concerned. Scott eyed him, interested as he was positioning himself on his chair. He wondered if he's a tenor or baritone. Maybe bass? He looked too petite for a bass, honestly.  
Mr. Will Winchester entered the classroom. He was a young and energetic teacher who loved choir and could sense the littlest bit of talent in anyone. And he loved Scott.  
\- Hello, everybody! I know you can't wait for the info what Broadway musical we're gonna do next, but first... - he smiled lightly, looking at the new kid – We have a new member of our choir. Mitchell Grassi, ladies and gentleman. Mitch, would you come here? - the boy rose from his seat and timidly approached Mr. Winchester. He patted his back and asked kindly – What's your type of voice?  
\- I'm a tenor – Mitch answered, his voice quiet.  
\- Great – Will smiled widely, still patting his back – See, we have a tradition here that everyone who's new has to perform a song for us. It can be anything, you can use instruments or not, do whatever you want – Scott shifted in his seat, interested as hell. The kid should be good.  
\- I don't sing – Mitch said and everybody went quiet. Will was obviously shocked.  
\- I'm sorry... What?  
\- I don't sing. I didn't even want to be here.  
\- I don't think I'm following...  
\- I don't wanna talk about this – Mitch was staring at the floor – I'm not singing and that's it.  
\- You realize it's a c h o i r? People sing here.  
\- Yes, I know. It was not my decision of joining.   
\- Oh... Uhm... - the teacher clearly didn't know what to say – I'll see you after class, Mitchell. Have a sit. Okay, peeps – he turned around while Mitch was rushing to his seat, everyone staring at him. Scott wanted to laugh first but when he saw how uncomfortable this boy looked, he felt pity for him – I know you've been dying for this moment, so... Drums please – the students started banging at the chairs – Our next musical is... Kinky Boots! - the room filled with applause and screams. Everyone was happy, even shy Kirstie was smiling widely and shrieking. Mitch was just eying everyone, scratching his left hand. Scott was following his moves, noticing how harsh the kid gets and how his skin turns red and starts bleeding. He must've been stressed as hell – Okay, okay. Silence, please! As you know or not, Kinky Boots stars two lead tenors... - his eyes wandered to Mitch – But as we have only three, and one isn't really available and the second is sick... Scott, would you mind taking Charlie Price?  
\- The lead? - Scott grinned – Sure!  
\- Great. Kit, you're gonna be Lola aka Simon – Will pointed at him and Kit clapped his hands happily – Now we need Lauren and Nicola... Mezzo-sopranos... Hm... Kirstin?   
\- Yes? - she blinked quickly.  
\- What do you say for Lauren?  
\- Oh my god, of course! - she almost jumped, making some people laugh. The role of Nicole got Susan, a girl Scott knew nothing about. The teacher gave the rest of the roles and told them which songs they need to prepare for the next week. They they went for Wicked and the songs from last week.   
Scott had a lead in most of them, but he was staring at this Mitch kid the whole times. It was impressive how he never even opened his mouth, clearly hating every second spent in the room. He wondered what he meant by saying it was not his choice to be there. When the class was done, he quickly approached the brunet and asked quietly:  
\- Hey, I'm Scott... May I have a question?  
\- If you want to ask why I don't sing then you can as well go away.  
\- No – Scott laughed – Actually I was curios why you're even here. I mean, it's not like you are forced.  
\- Well, I am.  
\- Why?  
\- Mind your own business – he growled irritatingly.  
\- Sorry, sorry – the blond laughed again – Are you sure you don't sing?  
\- No, I have tho people inside me and they switch without my knowledge, depends which one you ask – Mitch answered sarcastically, making Scott giggle.  
\- Okay then. And the one you have now?  
\- Saying yes, he is sure.  
\- Okay. So you won't tell me who forced you.  
\- I'll tell you to leave me alone.  
\- Sure. But you know, he will ask – Scott pointed a the teacher.  
\- That's fine, I don't care.  
\- I guess I'm gonna go then. See you tomorrow, Mitchell.  
\- It's Mitch actually.  
\- Okay – Scott smiled and walked out of the classroom, smiling to himself. That kid was funny and weird in that nice way that usually made people like these kind of personalities.


	2. Drifting further every day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't uploaded for almost a month but it's all because of college, I'll try more, I promise

Mitch came home on foot. It took him 40 minutes and scared the shit out of his mum who expected him to ride a bus. When she heard what had happened, though, she wasn't mad anymore. She was actually angry at the choir teacher who wasn't informed about Mitch's problem.   
\- It's okay, mum – he said, eating his dinner.  
\- No, it's not, Mitchy. The principal promised to tell your teachers.  
\- Perhaps he forgot. It's fine though. May I go? - he pushed his plate away, food half finished.  
\- Sure. Mitch? - she held his arm – Please tell me if...  
\- I'm not going to kill myself mum – he sighed, caressing her hand – I'm okay, really. I'm gonna go do my homework.  
\- Okay – Mitch turned around and left her alone, running upstairs. He closed the door of his new room and laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He felt shitty but couldn't really tell his mum that, could he? Besides the day wasn't that bad. He met Kirstie who stuck with him all day, sitting with him during lunch and taking care of him. She was a good material for a friend. Also Scott... Scott was the popular one, as Kirst said, but he noticed Mitch and actually spoke to him. He was nice and seemed funny. The teachers were good and the lessons interesting enough. Only that thing with choir made him sad, but that was okay. He checked his facebook and saw two new messages. One was from Kirstie:

 

Hey, how are you holding up?

Mitch: Good. Nothing happened really :) I'm happy you got Lauren tho

Kirstie: Thanks :) see you tomorrow then I guess :) you taking bus?

Mitch: I actually do, yeah

Kirstie: I'll warm a seat for you then :)

Another was... from Scott.

Scott: u taking piano?

Mitch: yeah, why?

Scott: nice, me too :) you made me interested

Mitch: in what?

Scott: in you. Now I'm thinking about your singing

Mitch: there's no singing  
Scott: but there was

Mitch: how would you know?

Scott: Call me mr. google ;)

Mitch: why would you even talk to me?

Scott: cause youre interesting, Mitchell

Mitch: it's Mitch 

Scott: see ya 2morrow ;)

 

Mitch didn't know what to think about that. Scott seemed really nice, he couldn't see any of this bossiness Kirstin was talking about. But to be honest, Mitch knew him just one day so what exactly he could say about this guy?

 

The next morning he was sitting in the bus with Kirstin, talking about their history homework when Scott appeared inside. He spotted Mitch and smirked, approaching them and sitting right behind the brunet.  
\- Hi, Mitchell.  
\- I told you, it's Mitch – tenor turned around, irritated – Stop calling me Mitchell!  
\- You don't like your name? - the blond winked at him. Kirstie pulled Mitch's arm gently.  
\- Stop this, Scott – she said quietly.  
\- But he's interesting, I really can't – he smirked again, eying Mitch – I'm glad we're having piano lesson together today. I have a question for you, - Mitch – the brunet blushed a bit and answered shyly:  
\- I'm not interesting... but okay. You can even ask me now.  
\- Not really. Wanna keep you in suspense or something, you know – his blue eyes were shining beautifully in the sun.  
\- He's shy – Kirstie wrapped her arm around Mitch's waist earning a smile from him – You're making him uncomfortable.  
\- It's okay, Kier – Mitch nodded – He's going to disappoint himself, that's it.  
\- I doubt – Scott smiled at put earphones on, clearly ending their conversation.  
\- Oh wow – she sighed – You're lucky.  
\- What?  
\- He's talking to you. He's like... a superstar in school. He's the champion of every dance competition he takes part in, he usually gets solos in choir, he is the master of the piano... And oh... He's so hot – Mitch rolled his eyes but smirked, seeing her dreamy eyes.  
You told me he's a jerk.  
\- Not a jerk, just... Higher in school hierarchy. And he knows it – she was thinking for a moment – Okay, about this Roosevelt...

 

Piano was his first period today and Kirstie went for her ballet class. Mitch spotted couple upright pianos in a row and couple keyboards at the other side of the classroom. It was empty but soon Scott entered and waved at Mitch.  
\- Hi, Mitchell, once again! - he smiled, approaching him.  
\- I told you, it's... Okay, doesn't matter – Mitch let out a tired sigh.  
\- Do you want to sit with me?  
\- Sorry?  
\- We are paired during these lessons and I don't have anyone with me, so... What do you say?  
\- Well... Okay I guess – he straighten up his bangs following Scott to one of the pianos.  
\- So how long have you been playing?  
\- Since I was a kid.  
\- Me too! My parents got me a teacher when I was 5.  
\- I was 5 too, I went to music school.   
\- Nice. So... - Scott brushed the keys gently – What are you into? I mean, what do you like?  
\- You mean playing?  
\- Yeah.  
\- I... Well. Everything I guess.  
\- But what do you play when you just want to play?  
\- I don't... play.  
\- Okay, it's just funny now – he turned to face Mitch – Dude, you're in the art profile and you don't sing, don't play... Shit, why are you even here? - the brunet didn't answer, pulling at the sleeves of his hoodie and hiding his hands – I don't get it. Take something that doesn't make you do stuff you hate!  
\- I love art though... - Mitch whispered.  
\- Yeah, I can see that – Scott frowned – If you do then play for me.   
\- No.  
\- Why not?   
\- I told you, I don't...  
\- But why? - Scott was clearly getting annoyed – Do the teachers allow this? I mean you don't do fucking shit on these lessons, do you? You could practically be home and it would be the same thing! What is it with you? - Mitch's head was spinning and his sight getting blurry because of the tears that started to fill his eyes. He didn't want to cry in front of Scott but he couldn't stop himself. His nails dug into his hand as he started sobbing quietly. The blond stood up, looking shocked – Are you crying? Don't kid me, kid. Hey – he touched Mitch's arm, but the petite boy shrugged and turned away, his face wet and the back of his hand bleeding already. The bell rang and Mitch got up, rushing through the door. He found the ballet classroom and Kirstie in front of it, pushing himself into her arms. She was surprised and couple of girls giggled but she ignored it, taking Mitch in the corner of the corridor.   
\- Oh my god, Mitchy, what happened? - she asked, hugging the crying boy tightly and hiding his face in her arms.  
\- I just... Scott...   
\- What did he do?  
\- He... I mean...  
\- It's okay, hey – she brushed his cheek with her thumb – You can tell me later. Come on, let's go outside – she pulled him to the back entrance and they went to a small, sunny garden. Mitch took couple deep breaths and sniffed, blowing his nose in the tissue Kirstin had given him.   
\- You're gonna be in... trouble... for missing class...  
\- It's fine, Miss Julie is really cool she won't mind. You want to tell me what Scott did?  
\- Not much, but... He just... Kinda yelled at me. I mean, he asked me to sit with him at the piano lesson and I did and... he wanted me to play for him... when I told him I don't play... he got mad. And screamed at me and said that I could stay at home and not even come to school because there's no difference...  
\- Jerk – she growled – About that thing with you not playing...  
\- If you ask me why, I swear...  
\- No! - she held his hand – No. I just wanted to ask why you didn't choose something else if you don't want to play or sing anymore.  
\- Because art is everything I have. I can't do anything else.  
\- Okay – her lips curled up a little – Fair enough. Do you need something... Mitch! - suddenly her voice getting squeaky – What did you do?! - her hand pulled harshly at the brunet's wrist. His hand was all bloody and scratched to the bare flesh.   
\- I... I just... Got stressed.  
\- Mitch, do you... - she hesitated, not letting go of him – Do you need me to walk you to our school psychologist?  
\- What? No, I'm fine.  
\- Are you sure? - her eyes were warm.  
\- Yeah. I don't want any questions. I just... I want to go home.  
\- Okay – she nodded – Let's go to the principal then. They will call your parents – Mitch made a small nod and let her take him to the headmaster. She did all the talking and soon his mum was entering the room, her body tensed. Kirstin stayed with Mitch to hold his hand and calm him down.  
\- Good morning... What happened? - Nel asked, approaching her son and brushing his bangs fondly.  
\- He's not feeling well, Ms. Grassi – Kirstie answered shyly, standing up – He, uhm... He had a...  
\- Oh – Mitch's mum cleared her throat, obviously realizing – Yeah. Thank you... You're Kristin?  
\- It's Kirstin, mum – Mitch said quietly, making small blond girl giggle.  
\- Uhm. I'm sorry.  
\- No problem – she smiled.  
\- You may return to your classes, Miss Maldonado. Your teachers will be informed about the reason of your absence – the principal said and Kirstie nodded, bowed and left quickly. The room felt silent making Mitch want to just disappear.  
\- Does that happen often? - the headmaster asked his mum, pointing at Mitch and she sighed.  
I brought all the documents about his mental state. Yes, it may happen.   
\- Shall we send him home when that happens again?  
\- Depends how he feels. Sometimes he's fine and other times... he is tired and just sleeps. It really depends.   
\- Okay – the principal made a note on a piece of a sticky note and put it with Mitch's files – You want to take him home, Ms. Grassi?  
\- Yes, if I may.  
\- Of course.  
\- Mitchy? - Nel knelt beside him, kissing his forehead – Come on. We're going home.  
\- Okay – he whispered, letting his mum take his stuff and following her to their car.   
\- You wanna tell me what happened? Fasten your belt.  
\- I did. No, I don't want to talk about it.  
\- I'm going to take you to your new therapist straight away, she has a free hour now.   
\- Mum, I'm fine.  
\- Yeah, and just had a casual breakdown in the beginning of the day.   
\- Sorry?  
\- Don't be sorry. Just... - she sighed, turning the steering wheel gently left – Talk to her, please.  
\- Her?  
\- Rose Draight. I heard she's nice. Mitch, promise me you'll give her a chance.  
\- Fine – he rolled his eyes. He could do this for his mom.

 

***

 

Scott was sitting at his lessons far away with his thoughts. He was thinking about Mitch all day, repeating their talk in his head millions of times and regretting his own words every damn time. This boy was clearly fragile and somehow broken in a way Scott couldn't understand yet and it was a jerk move of him to say all those stuff. During lunch he texted him on Facebook as he couldn't spot him in the cafeteria, Kirstie sitting alone glued to some book.

 

Scott: Mitch im really sorry

Scott: I didnt mean to hurt your feelings, im sorry

Scott: let me know how you feel. I may perform a song just for you, as a compensation :)

 

He couldn't stand his friends to he took his tray and sat next to Kirstin, scaring her a little.  
\- I'm sorry – he said, taking an apple and biting it – What's with Mitch?  
\- He needed to go home because of you, so... I doubt you care – she hid her face behind some kind of pastry.  
\- Actually I do. It was supposed to be a joke.  
\- Yeah, sure.  
\- Just tell me.  
\- Ask him yourself, who am I, Wikipedia?  
\- Just an annoying blond – he frowned, earning an angry look from her – He has problems or something?  
\- Dude, I met him yesterday. Leave me alone – she flipped hair hair on her face to end a conversation but Scott was stubborn.  
\- I need to know.  
\- Then ask him. I don't think he'll tell you though.  
\- Yeah, whatever – he rolled his eyes, taking his tray and went back to his friends to finish his food. 

 

The rest of the day was boring as hell so he decided to look up Mitch on Instagram. Wow, that boy was aesthetic as fuck. And really, really beautiful. He especially liked one, particular picture, Mitch in stripy sweater, looking to the side, his bangs perfectly straight and finger at the lips. Scott liked this boy and didn't wanna ruin everything because of his stupidity.

 

***

 

Rose, as she preferred to be called, was indeed really nice. She was talking about van Gogh with Mitch and only so often asked questions about school, Kirstie, Scott, what happened during piano lesson... Mitch didn't even notice and he was already telling her everything about the situation. She said nothing about it, asking him about his favourite painting and later on commented that Scott probably didn't want to be mean and that he is just different and didn't know how to act towards Mitch who is a beautiful, special human being.   
Mitch left her office with a brief smile on his face. His mum then took him for Starbucks where Mitch read Scott's messages the blond had sent him earlier. He ignored them completely, texting Kirstie instead to let her know he's okay.  
He spent the rest of the day in his room catching up with “The Great Gatsby” and math problems Kirstie sent him as their homework. He went to bed after a long, hot shower but couldn't fall asleep. He was shifting and kicking his legs and hissing when his scratched hands touched the covers. He couldn't feel at ease in his own bed so he got up quietly, absently hurting the skin on the back of his hand again, his nails thin and close to breaking. He sighed, taking his phone and scrolling through the Instagram. He noticed a new like on the one of his older selfies. It was from Scott. His profile was just like him – colorful, lots of people, parties, dance competitions, choir... And mostly Scott himself, smiling and looking perfect. Mitch went to his favourite Instagram, a girl with a name “pettyflower” who he'd followed a while ago. She was fragile and delicate and they would text from time to time. She told Mitch she wants to die weeks ago, and was happy to hear that she's not alone with this. They grew a bond through all those weeks until Mitch tried to end his life. He hasn't texted her since... She posted a new pic three days ago, it was black and white and... oh. Oh.   
Mitch sniffled feeling a gulp in his throat. Well. She succeeded in her attempt just a week ago. Her family asks for prayers. Yeah. Okay.  
He nodded to himself feeling a big pile of jealousy floating through his body. Why did she do this? Why did she... How did she do it so she was positive with the result?  
He had questions. He closed Instagram and approached his vanity, pulling out a tweezers from one of the drawers. The tips of his fingers brushed lightly on the bandages as he was taking them off of his skin. Some of them were fine and some still held by stitches. Mitch had to have them taken out in couple days. Why wait though? He took his tweezers and pulled at the first stitch, hissing painfully. The blood appeared immediately, running down his arm. There weren't many but enough to make his skin all bloody and torn. He didn't attempt to kill himself, not yet. He just... It just happened.   
He remembered about a hidden bottle of vine and a glass in his cabinet. It was bitter-sweet and really tasty. He sat at the edge of his bed and took his phone again. He hadn't posted on his Instagram since the attempt and he kinda felt like snapping a picture now. He added a caption “Nothing but time to kill, sipping life from bottles “ from Troye Sivan's song and posted it. He laid on his back observing small droplets of blood on his arm but quickly got bored and ended up pouring himself another glass of wine. He took his sketchy book and started doodling, as he was drinking his wine in the silent room. He made a picture of a guy, kinda like a shadow scratching his nails on some kind of wall, next to him a knife. He scribbled on it quickly though, not liking the messy type of death that knives provided. He preferred calm ones so he added a pack of pills next to the silhouette and put away his notebook. He missed Ellie.  
They used to draw together, she was three years older so she always had better pictures but she loved Mitch's. The whole wall beside her bed was in his drawings, small doodles and sketches. As Mitch grew older his work got better and his teachers started talking about a real talent. He was never better than Elli though. She once painted him their portrait as they stood by the lake holding hands. Mitch still had it on his wall, ducktaped there and to his heart. When they were little kids they would sometimes go outside and draw with a chalk on the sidewalks near their house, which Mitch loved less and less as he started wearing designer clothes and was afraid to dirty them. Ellie never cared, however, always laughing and leaving colorful smudges on her shirts.   
Mitch had a collage of polaroid pictures on his wall, with his friends from the former school, his parents, from the times he still wore glasses and looked like shit... and with Ellie. His friends were always jealous how great relationship Mitch and Ellie had. She gave him his first beer at the age of 16. His lips curled up in a smile at the thought. Gosh, she even went with him to get his first tattoo, his beautiful deadmau5 and held his hand while Mitch was hissing in pain. She was his best friend.   
Kody was also his best friend. Small and petite, with a bush of red curly hair, excellent taste of clothing and love for metal music. They got along at the choir trip, during the first year when they had to sit next to each other in the coach, Mitch noticing her arm tattoo. They grew a strong bond and nothing and nobody could break it. They were inseparable and always did everything together. Mitch would tell her anything, same was with her, “a secret” wasn't a position on their dictionary. When Kody got to know about Mitch's will to die she was scared as fuck and wanted to immediately go to his parents. Mitch, however, was calm as ever as he told her not to. He knew he shouldn't have threatened her that he could do this right at that moment... But that kept her quiet. After Mitch woke up in the hospital he was told that he's never going to see her again, and nobody cared that he was crying and screaming. His mum deleted every single contact to her, on Facebook, Instagram, her number... Everything. She also got a restraining order so basically if Kody contacted him she could go to jail. Mitch was missing her so much he sometimes couldn't breathe.   
He wrote a letter to her, once a week and kept them in his drawer. He talked about usual stuff, school, food, new movie he discovered. It wasn't enough though and every time he thought about her he'd feel tightening in his chest, his breathing almost cut off.  
The clock showed 2 in the morning and Mitch groaned, coming closer to his window. Normally he would listen to some music or sing, but he hated both so that was out of option. Instead he sat on a windowsill, pulling his knees to his chest and finally finished his documentary about the girl eating glass. When it was done, it was couple minutes past 3 and Mitch felt too exhausted to sleep. He kinda wanted a new tattoo but was not sure what exactly.   
He tried to fall asleep, but nope, no point in that. So he just laid in silence, staring at the ceiling, far away with his thoughts mostly about Ellie and Kody, kinda about Scott too...  
He got up at 4 and hopped straight into the shower. His bleach, blond and also purple hair dye were in the cabinet, waiting for him to use it. Another time maybe. Styling his bangs was the best thing to do, Mitch was glad he had his own bathroom so he didn't wake up his parents with the dryer. He also put a tiniest bit of make-up, just filling his brows and concealing the awful bags under his eyes, and then headed downstairs to make himself some breakfast. He wasn't really hungry though, so he just made some coffe and sat at the table, scrolling though his Instagram. Some people liked his new pic already, two commented about how cute and pretty he was.   
Lessons today was going to start at 8, so Mitch had two and a half hours. He decided to walk slowly and maybe wander around the neighborhood. He took his backpack and left, putting on a thin jean jacket. Near his house was a small grove with a river in the middle. Mitch discovered it right after moving here and already knew every path. Since it's been October, the leaves were turning red and yellow, the whole place smelling like pine and wet moss. The sun was already rising, small bits of it going through the horizon slowly. Mitch snapped a picture of it, wishing he could send it to Cas. Instead, he went towards the river wanting to dip his hands in the clear water. It was cold as fuck, but he couldn't care less. Goosebumps covered his skin and eased the pain in the fresh opened cuts on his arm. He spent there quite a bit, eventually turning back and walking straight to school.  
His mum called billions times, probably wandered why was he gone before 7 am. He sent her quick text “'m okay, had to take a walk” and turned it off, his phone making him anxious. The school was quiet when he reached his locker, sorting out his books and other stuff. He decided to sneak into the library and read something as he had over an hour to start his day properly. The nice librarian informed him about his active membership card and Mitch smiled at her walking away, seeking some quiet, lonely place. He snuggled with some book and let himself get lost in the story until the bell rang and Mitch was forced to go to classes.   
Kirstie wrapped her arms around him the second she saw him.  
\- Mitch! Oh my god! How are you?  
\- Fine, thanks. I love your dress – he smiled as she made a pirouette, smiling. Her floral dress waved beautifully around her knees.  
\- It's new. Anyway, how did you sleep?  
\- I... I didn't really – he sighed – But it's okay, I mean, I wasn't tired.  
\- Oh... Okay. Hey, I was wondering... Will you come with me after school... I'm gonna... Pierce my brow.   
\- No way – he covered his mouth, giggling – You're kidding?  
\- I'm not – she giggled – I want to be cool.  
\- You are cool, Kirstie – he smiled. Mitchy only knew her two days but already liked her – You don't have to change yourself.  
\- But I do want to – her finger brushed her right brow – I just need someone with me.  
\- Sure! I kinda want a new tattoo, but I don't know...  
\- Mitchy, yes! What do you want?  
\- I was thinking about a word 'collarbone'...   
\- Where?  
\- On my collarbone of course!  
\- That is an awesome idea. I saw all your tattoos on Instagram... They are marvelous! I wish I got one too... But I'm gonna stick to a piercing now – her lips curled into a smile – Come on, we're gonna be late.  
\- Hey! Hey, Mitch! - suddenly a hand on the tenor's arm – Wait.  
\- Hi, Scott – Kirstie said surprised and Mitch turned around without a word.  
\- Hey, Kirstin – Scott looked at Mitch – Listen, I... I wanted to apologize. I pushed you and I shouldn't have... - his eyes flickered do the brunet's hands, noticing the scratches but he didn't comment on that – I'm sorry. I hope you're not mad at me – Mitch was grateful that the blond ignored the state of his hands. He pulled at the bottom of his shirt, staring at his shoes. He wasn't sure what to say – I was wondering if... you still want to keep me company during the piano lesson?  
\- Okay – he nodded and Scott's face brightened.  
\- Great. Right. So see ya later, bye! - he rushed towards his own classroom and Mitch faced Kirstie, smiling sheepishly.  
\- He's cute – she giggled and Mitch nudged her side.  
\- Stop!  
\- I'm serious! You must have a charm.  
\- You're being stupid – he blushed.  
\- Well... no. He's usually a jerk but with you... Wow. And it's just your second day!  
\- Come on, math won't wait – he cut the conversation, pulling chuckling Kirstin to the classroom.

 

The piano was his second period and he came to see Scott already sitting at the instrument.  
\- Hey – he smiled – You okay?  
\- Mm – Mitch nodded forcing a smile. He sat next to the blond boy and gently touched the piano keys.  
\- Can I play something to you?  
\- What?  
\- I mean... - Scott fixed his hair awkwardly – I just... Wanted to make you smile.  
\- I hate music.  
\- Oh – he nodded – So... Okay. It wasn't always like that?  
\- No.  
\- W... Okay – he shook his head looking at Mitch – Not gonna ask questions. Are you fine with me playing?  
\- Yes, sure. It is a lesson after all.  
\- Will you be mad if I play for you?  
\- No.  
\- So can I?  
\- Yeah.  
\- But do you want it?  
\- It's okay I guess.  
\- You're incredible – Scott murmured, smiling a little – I can't get it... You're such a different kid, Mitchell.  
\- It's...  
\- Mitch, I know. I like the pic you posted.  
\- Oh.  
\- Yeah, it was cool.   
\- Thanks – the silence fell and soon the teacher came. The lesson was all about Debussy and every piano pair had to perform a song they'd been preparing since last week. When it was Scott's turn he smiled to Mitch, positioned himself at the piano and started playing. It was “Clair de Lune”. Mitch noticed how the blond's hands were dancing on the keys, how focused and passionate he was about this and how beautifully he was playing. Still, music hurt and Mitch was feeling his chest tightening at every little note. He was awfully talented, Mitch had to admit. When Scott finished he got a big applause, an A and earned a smile from tenor.  
\- You're really good – he complimented him.  
\- I'm pretty sure you're better – Scott winked at him, turning around to listen to another student and Mitch was left with a nice feeling in his heart.

The lunch break came really fast and it was the first moment when Mitch felt hunger. He ignored it though and got lost in the conversation with Kirstin about the piercing she was getting. She was so excited that Mitch had to calm her down, before she started screaming or something.   
\- Oh, I forgot – she suddenly cut herself in mid-sentence – How was your piano lesson?  
\- It was okay. They were doing Debussy.  
\- And Scotty?  
\- “Scotty”?  
\- Yeah – she giggled – I bet you're gonna call him that soon.  
\- What is with you? - he blushed heavily.  
\- Well, Hoying is usually a royal bitch and doesn't talk to commoners like us. Seriously, you must've intrigued him.  
\- Just because I'm new.  
\- I doubt it.  
\- And because I'm freaking weird and don't do shit at the lessons.  
\- Yeah, about that... I know you have... Okay – she sighed – I won't ask but you can always tell me. Wherever you feel like it. Okay?  
\- Yeah – Mitch smiled – Thanks, Kier.   
\- That's a nice nickname – she adjusted her glasses, grinning – Are you excited for your first art classes?  
\- Yeah! I can't wait to create something.  
\- I bet you're ama... Uhuh – all of a sudden she smirked.  
\- What?  
\- Look who's coming – she nodded her head at a tall blond approaching their table.  
\- May I sit with you? - Scott was smiling, holding his tray. Mitch's stomach squeezed seeing his amazingly-looking food.  
\- Sure – she grinned again, winking at Mitch – What did we do to deserve such an honor?  
\- Pff – Scott snorted, facing Mitch – You're not eating?  
\- I, uhm... - he sighed awkwardly, staring at the empty table. He felt warm tap on his arm and a chicken salad in a plastic container appeared in front of him. He raised his head just to catch Scott's warm sight.  
\- There – the blond moved back to focus on his food.  
\- I can't...  
\- Please – he rolled his eyes at Mitch – Just eat it and thank me later – Kirstie's foot nudged Mitch's under the table as she bit her lip, hiding a smile.   
\- Thanks – Mitch whispered digging in the salad – It's great.  
\- You should eat, you're so skinny – Scott observed Mitch as he ate, constantly with a warm smile dancing on his lips.  
\- I eat.  
\- What do you eat, air? - the blond attempted to joke but nobody laughed so he just sighed – What can I do to make you smile, kid?  
\- Stop calling me a kid since we're the same age – Mitch answered after he finished his food.  
\- Fine, Mitchell. You know what? - Scott took his backpack hanging it on his arm – That's my challenge for this week. Making you smile. Kirstin will be the judge.   
\- Why are you so obsessed with me? - tenor raised his head, staring at Scott.  
\- Well, you're interesting – he winked at Mitch and left the cafeteria slowly, taking his tray with him.   
\- Mitchy! - Kirstie squeaked loudly when he was gone – Oh my god! Oh no – she suddenly realized – I'm not sure you're even... I mean... He's a guy anyway...  
\- Easy – Mitch smirked – I play for my own team.  
\- Great!  
\- Hoying too?  
\- I... hm – she bit her lip – I mean, I've never seen him with a girl and he has many friends mostly guys, but... I would say he's interested with you.  
\- Bad for him – Mitch laughed bitterly.  
\- Why?  
\- Cause I'm not the right person to be interested in, Kirst. 

 

 

* * *

_Dear You_

_It's been two weeks and I still haven't been at school. Everything there reminds me of you, just the thought of going there seems terrifying... So I don't. I feel like I can't even talk to my best friend. She doesn't know what to say and the fact that she was close to you too doesn't help. I wish I was stronger, like you. It was never your fault. It's just... I wasn't ready for that. It happened definitely way too fast and all of a sudden you were gone. Couple seconds and I didn't have you. Sometimes I wonder if it was my fault but then... What could I do. Maybe if we didn't do some stuff, nothing would happen. I still wait for you to go through the door and talk to me. I still can't believe you're gone. I tried to go to cemetery multiple times but everytime I panic and have to come back. You would understand, you knew me better than I knew myself.  
I miss you. It feels like you left me and I miss you. Why did you leave? I'll never stop asking that. Could I do more? Could I save you? All I know is that if there was any way to bring you back, I would.  
Love you forever  
Me. ___


	3. Getting lost within myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I know. I know. It's been some time. Anyway, brand new chapter for yall  
> xoxo

Scott didn't joke about his 'challenge' and used every occasion he had to try and make Mitch laugh. It wasn't easy considering Mitch's state of mind but couple times he actually had Mitch giggling quietly. Mostly at piano when he was fooling around, playing classics in a weird way and throwing stupid comments. Mitch felt much more comfortable, especially that Scott had become his kind of a guardian. Whenever they parted with Kirstin, the blond would take the lead and take care of Mitch in multiple ways. Chicken salad for lunch, everyday, no exceptions. Explaining to people that Mitch doesn't need to play the piano. Walking with him to the choir. Texting him in the evenings to ask if he had any problems with homework. Small things that made Mitch feel safe and accepted at school. After two weeks there he had two friends and finally didn't feel like an alien. Of course, they couldn't replace Kody but Kody was gone, just like Elli and Mitch's old life. Gone, just like that. And Kirstin had a real chance to become almost as good friend as Kody used to be. 

\- Hey, Grassi – Mitch raised his head from a book and looked up noticing three guys from his PE lesson. They were typical bullies and couple days ago found a new target. Mitch wasn't the sports type, he was mostly quiet at lessons, trying to avoid touching the ball as much as he could – Shouldn't you do some girly shit instead of PE?  
\- Back off – he said, trying to read.  
\- You're such a pussy you can't even stand up when I'm taking to you? - one of them, clearly a leader leaned to Mitch – You're such a failure.  
I bet your sister would laugh her ass of... Oh wait – another one smiled maliciously – She's dead – Mitch felt like someone kicked him in the stomach.  
\- You have nothing better to do? - suddenly loud voice next to them. Scott was holding couple books, his face winced with anger – Leave him alone.  
\- You're his boyfriend, Hoying? - the 'leader' laughed ironically but Scott just came closer, his voice cold:  
\- Go away or I'll end you and your stupid friends – they were looking at each other for a moment but then three bullies started to walk away, murmuring some stuff and snorting. Scott knelt next to Mitch and touched his shoulder, the touch gentle – Hey, you're okay?  
\- I guess, yeah. Thank you.  
\- No problem, they're awful – Scott positioned himself next to the brunet, putting his books on the floor – So that is your secret, huh? Sister?  
\- So you heard...  
\- Yeah, didn't mean to... Wanna talk about it?  
\- I... - Mitch wanted to change the subject but... why would he? Scott would ask again soon and Mitch owes him for saving his ass from those guys – Her name was Ellen but everyone called her Ellie. She was three years older and it's been half a year since she died.   
\- What was she like? - that question surprised him. Usually people tend to ask him how he felt or how he coped, he hated these questions and never answered them cause please. How he felt? Shitty.  
\- She was the most talented person I've ever known. Her drawings... Wow. I'm good but she was the best. We used to do musicals for our parents, we would bake every Sunday, we knew every single secret about each other... She was my best friend. She had a great fashion taste. She always helped me with homework. She designed my very first tattoo ever. She gave me my first beer, I mean me and K... - he stopped, pain filling his chest and making him nauseous. Oh how he missed this girl. He'd been waiting for Scott to ask about Kody and he knew he wouldn't be able to answer... But nothing like that happened. Scott just gently took Mitch's hand and laced their fingers together.  
\- She seems like the best sister in the world - “seems”. Scott had no idea how he just got himself a special place in Mitch's heart. No one talked about Ellie as she was still alive and Mitch appreciated it a lot. Enough not to take the hand away. It was actually nice, his fingers ice cold and Scott's warm and soft.   
\- Yes. I couldn't have dreamed of a better one – he smiled at Scott – Thank you.  
\- For what?  
\- For saving me.  
\- Oh come on – the blond giggled – I'm a superhero, saving people in needs is my job.  
\- So you save everyone, huh? - Mitch was still smiling, looking into Scott's blue eyes.  
\- No – the blond squeezed brunet's fingers – Just the ones I really care about – he let go, clearing his throat and stood up – Gotta go. See you at choir today?  
\- Yes, sure.  
\- Hey, listen, uh... - Scott seemed to be thinking intensely – Maybe we could hang out sometimes? You could tell me more about Ellie?  
\- Come over then – those words slipped from Mitch's mouth sooner than he had time to consider them. His cheeks became red but he didn't back away.  
\- Oh... You're sure?  
\- Yeah, I mean... I could show you Elli's drawings. And stuff. I actually haven't been in her room since... - he bit his lip.  
\- It's a good idea – Scott quickly said, not to make Mitch uncomfortable – When?  
\- Today?  
\- Yeah!  
\- Okay.  
\- Okay – they both smiled at each other and the blond took his books – See ya later, Mitch.

 

Kirstie left school before the last class cause she was going for a doctor appointment so Mitch was riding a bus home alone. He had headphones on but they were unplugged, he used them to get some silence to think. He was shocked with himself how easily it was for him to talk about Ellie with Scott. He seemed like a perfect person for Mitch to trust and open up to. He clearly could listen and knew how to talk to him, plus he took care of him despite the fact he didn't have to. This was a little scary considering how they barely knew each other, but somehow it was okay. Mitch trusted Scott more than his therapist, more than Kirstie and even his parents. How? He didn't know. It was not important though because what could happen? Somehow Mitch knew his secrets were safe with Scott. Call it the sixth sense or something, he just knew.  
His mum almost cried when she heard Mitch has someone coming over but she went quiet when Mitch asked about Ellie's room.  
\- Are you sure? You just met him and you haven't been in her room since...  
\- I promised to show him the drawings. I want to do this.   
\- Okay then – she gave him the key – I'll make you some cookies, okay?  
\- Thanks, mum – Mitch went upstairs to do his homework and put on a huge sweater. He was freezing and besides it was hiding his arms and hands very well. That was his biggest secret and he wasn't ready to show anyone. Not yet and maybe not ever.   
Scott came two hours later, welcomed by Nel who was smiling so much Mitch was scared she will hurt herself. He was downstairs very quickly, promising that yes Scott will stay for dinner and taking a tray with coffee mugs and cookies.   
\- Your mum is so sweet – Scott smiled, helping Mitch by opening the door to his room.  
\- Yeah, she is nice. And happy I made friends – he smiled, putting the tray on his desk – So... This is my room – Scott started looking around, noticing keyboard, big window, perfectly made bed and other stuff. And then...  
\- You made this? - he pointed put the painting of Mitch and Ellie holding hands at the lake. Mitch bit his lip.  
\- No... It's hers.   
\- Beautiful... Incredible talent – another point for Scott for not being 'sorry' and 'oh no, I mentioned Ellie'. This guy was unique for sure – May I see yours?  
\- Uh... Sure – Mitch reached for a file with his paintings and handed it to Scott – I also doodle a little in my sketchbook.   
\- Wow... - Scott was amazed, looking through Mitch's work – The details... - he stopped at one painting and asked – Is it her?  
\- Yeah – Mitch nodded, taking a look. He painted this portrait of her recently, he had about thirty more, hidden deep in his closet under winter sweaters.  
\- You both are talented. Like a lot - “are” again. Gosh, Mitch was adoring this boy – I wish I could draw like that – he gave the file back to the brunet and took his mug of coffee.  
\- I heard you have about ten different talents – Mitch smiled, sitting at the bed with his cup and nodding at Scott to sit as well.   
\- Ten? Oh come on – the blond rolled his eyes – I have twenty! - Mitch let out a quiet giggle, leaning on the wall and relaxing – Thank you for invitation. I can see you don't do that often.  
\- No, it's not that, I... Just moved here. I don't know almost anyone here.  
\- Yeah, but you don't seem like party type.  
\- I'm not – Mitch nodded – Never been, honestly.   
\- And Ellie?  
\- Oh, Ellie loved attention and making new friends. She basically everyday had someone coming over or she would go to somebody. People adored her.  
\- So you were basically like ice and fire.  
\- You could say that – Mitch smiled – She was the fire of course.  
\- Of course – Scott smiled back – People don't ask you about her a lot, hm?  
\- They are scared to mention her and when they ask, the questions are stupid. I mean what are they expect to hear when they ask “how are you feeling?”. How can I feel, honestly.  
\- They probably don't know how to talk to you.  
\- You do.  
\- No, I don't. I just try not to be like everyone else because you seem to push away those people.   
\- I... - Mitch got silent. Scott was right – I don't wanna deal with them. I don't need that.   
\- If it's too much just tell me. You don't need to answer me, you know?  
\- You're different. You're like K... - again this painful burning in his chest. His eyes slipped shut and he let out a shaky breath before he felt Scott's hand on his hair and his quiet voice:  
\- Don't. If it still hurts so much then don't – another surprise. Everyone always made him talk, even if he was crying and choking on his breath. Nobody ever respected his feelings that much. And nobody ever just sat and touched his hair like this – I will never force you to speak, okay? - Mitch felt gentle touch on his back and he was slowly pulled closer to Scott, his forehead leaning on the blond's shoulder – You will tell me when you're ready. Or you won't. That's okay too.   
\- Thank you – Mitch whispered after a very long moment of them sitting in silence, Scott rubbing his back and breathing slowly.   
\- Always – Scott smiled at him, letting brunet to sit back – You're safe.  
\- It's just so hard... - Mitch's voice broke – When you have a decently happy life and suddenly it all starts falling and breaking... And you're left with nothing... And people demand you to just get up and deal with it. Like some time passes and suddenly you're supposed to be okay.  
\- It's okay to be sad. It's okay not to be able to do things you love – Scott's eyes laid on the keyboard – It's okay to be a mess. I'm not judging you. Don't try to be the perfect Mitch, because you're simply not him anymore.   
\- I want to keep my shit together...  
\- I understand that – Scott looked him in the eyes and held his cold hand – But there's nothing wrong with admitting you're not coping, you're not doing fine. Not to everyone. Admit it to yourself. Talk to someone, to me for example.   
\- Why would I do that?  
\- Why wouldn't you?   
\- You don't wanna go there with me – Mitch whispered – It's dark and hopeless. Every secret.   
\- Don't you think it will be easier when you share them with someone? Not today, maybe not tomorrow. But one day – Scott's thumb was brushing Mitch's fingers, every inch and every bone and somehow brunet could feel it in his whole body – Trust me. And I will be here for you, just trust me – Mitch was quiet for a moment before asking:  
\- Do you wanna see Ellie's room?   
\- Yes – Scott nodded and let go of Mitch so they could get up. Mitch approached his sister's door and felt like something was squeezing his chest and choking him. Scott must've noticed because his hand was placed on Mitch's back, freeing his chest in a second. He opened the room and slid inside, Scott following him. He turned on the lights and felt tears on his cheeks seeing familiar things and furniture. It's been months since the last time he was here and it crashed on him in a second and his body started trembling and his breathing sped up – You don't have to – Scott whispered, his hand coming back to rub Mitch's back.  
\- No, I want to. I need to – it felt like someone was burning him alive, his head was spinning but he desperately wanted to deal with this. He knew it was damn time and he could do it – There are her drawings... - he said breathlessly, his hand shaking as he was pointing.  
\- Hey – Scott looked at him carefully – No one force's you.   
\- I want to...  
\- Maybe it's too early – the blond waited for Mitch's reaction. It was painful, seeing as the boy was struggling with the situation and fighting with his own head, finally giving up and sending Scott a teary look – It's okay – he gently grabbed Mitch's elbow and pulled him out of the room, turning off the lights and locking the door. He took them back to brunet's room and there he risked and hugged Mitch tightly. He heard Mitch taking a breath to say something but only a muffled sob left his throat and he buried his face in Scott's neck – Just like that, just let it out.  
\- I... I'm sorry... - Mitch managed to say before totally breaking in Scott's arms. He sometimes cried but never that much, never such a breakdown. He didn't really know how they sat on the bed and when exactly Scott started caressing his hair but it didn't matter. He cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left but his painful breaths and occasional whimper. Scott held him tight all the time, never letting go, not saying a word and Mitch's heart burned with warmth and gratitude for this boy. He was probably the best thing that had happened to him since Ellie died.  
\- You need some water? - no questions about how he feels. No asking if he was done crying. No letting him go.  
\- No, thank you – he sniffed – I'm so sorry...  
\- Don't be sorry for your feelings, please. I told you to trust me and you did. You're safe with me – his hands started rubbing Mitch's back and it was so relaxing he almost drifted off to sleep.  
\- Why are you doing this, Scott?  
\- Because I care about you.  
\- You barely know me.  
\- Exactly – Scott's lips kissed Mitch's hair and their gazes linked – And I care. I wanna know more about you. And I wanna be here for you when you need it.   
\- Why?  
\- Because I like you, isn't that a good reason? - Scott smiled – I feel like we can be amazing friends.   
\- I would love that – Mitch smiled back, joy filling his heart – Try those cookies my mum made.  
\- I love cookies – Scott rolled his eyes with pleasure, biting one – Oh my gosh...  
\- Good, right? - brunet giggled, taking one as well.  
\- Amazing! I'm gonna be so fat – he laughed, taking another cookie – Hey, you like watching YouTube?  
\- You're not fat, bitch, come on – Mitch was laughing too – And yeah, I love conspiracy theories and stuff about people with disorders.  
\- Conspiracy theories are the best, come on, take your laptop and we're gonna watch some – Scott got excited, almost spilling the rest of his coffee and earning another giggle from Mitch as well as a warning.  
\- Spill it on my bed and I will end you!  
\- Understood – Scott snorted, getting comfortable and waiting for Mitch to come back.   
During dinner Nel couldn't believe what was going on as Mitch was actually laughing. She hadn't heard her son's laugh for months and now he was here, giggling wildly at Scott's jokes and stories. He even joked himself couple times. It was shocking, truly, especially that she noticed Mitch's red puffy eyes and figured out how visiting Elli's room ended earlier this day.   
After dinner they were back in Mitch's room and Scott slowly had to get going, Mitch proposing to walk him to his car. They watched one last video and went downstairs, Scott thanking Nel for amazing dinner and putting his shoes and jacket on. They went outside, Mitch speaking quietly:  
\- Thanks for today. I never... Yeah.  
\- Always, as I said – the blond smiled, approaching his car – We'll see each other tomorrow, right?  
\- Yes – Mitch stood there awkwardly, not sure if he should hug Scott or not.  
\- You have enough of hugging or I can get another one?  
\- Oh – Mitch blushed – Of course you can – he wrapped his arms around Scott's waist, happy to be closed in a warm embrace once again.  
\- See you tomorrow – Scott whispered, hugging him a little bit too long for a totally friendly hug. Mitch almost wished they hugged even longer.  
\- Yeah, see ya. Drive safely 

* * * 

_Dear You_

_30 days without you. I was thinking about you the whole day, I ate your favourite lunch. I go to school again, but it's like a blur. I know that nothing is the same and I just need to find a coping mechanism, but it's so hard. People don't understand why I don't wanna do what I love, aka singing and stuff. It's like a curse, I hate these things now. We used to do it together and I can't even try doing it alone. It's funny how many things become a 'no' when someone leaves. I still say that you're not 'gone'. You just left which means you can come back... Right? My therapist says it's still 'denial' mode. I mean, come on, I know you're dead. I just... It feels like a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from soon. I can't believe that has happened to me. To you. I mean why?! It doesn't make any sense no matter how hard I try to explain this to myself.  
Everyone asks why don't I cry. I can't. I haven't cried even at the funeral, I wanted. But I couldn't. I remember people screaming when they were putting the coffin into the ground. I was just... there. I know I said couple words, but... No idea what.   
She talks to me again. I wouldn't survive losing my best friend and she knew surprisingly well what to do so I'm glad I made that move. Still nobody talks to me at school, teachers don't want my homework. Not that I do any, I try but... It's just that I thinkthinkthink. It's hard.   
Please come back_

_Me ___


	4. Nothing matters, no one else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse but college. I hope you like this one (I don't)  
> xoxo

\- Yes, and then you just have to use trigonometric identity, the Pythagorean one, and count the cosine from this – Mitch was explaining Kirstin their math homework in the library when he felt warm touch on his arm and smelled really nice perfumes.  
\- Hi, are you busy? - Scott was smiling, his thumb slightly caressing Mitch's shoulder. Kirstie spotted the movement and smirked discreetly.   
\- Yeah, we're doing homework – Mitch looked at him, his face lightening up. It's been couple days since Scott visited Mitch and now there was a lot of touching involved in their relationship. Arms, shoulders, sudden touch on the hand, back. Every time Mitch blushed like a girl, there was no denying that – Something happened?  
\- No, I just wanted to talk to you.  
\- Go, I'll do these problems and you'll check them in a moment – Kirstin smiled at them and Mitch nodded, getting up and following Scott further, between bookshelves.   
\- How was your day? - the blond smiled, his hand on Mitch's arm again.  
\- It was okay, nothing happened. Yours?  
\- Well, had an amazing nap at biology – they both giggled – Look, I wanted to ask you if maybe you'd like to come over on Saturday? My parents and my two sisters leave to visit grandma and I said I need to stay for studying, but if you have some hours to spare...   
\- Oh – Mitch blushed heavily – I, uh... Yeah! Sure!  
\- Really? - Scott's eyes lightened up.  
\- Yes – Mitch smiled softly – Gladly.  
\- Okay!   
\- Nice – he was having a great time now. No depression, no sadness. Just happiness since he and Scott got closer. He loved it but somewhere in the back of his head he knew it wasn't permanent and something was about to happen sooner or later – So I'll see you at piano today?  
\- Exactly – Scott grinned and turned around, walking out of the library. Mitch came back to Kirstie whose eyes was larger than plates.  
\- And? AND?   
\- Kirstie! - Mitch blushed, looking around – Quiet!  
\- Sorry! - she whispered – Tell me everything!  
\- He invited me to himself on Saturday, his family will be out and...  
\- Wait – she stopped him, a smile on her face – Just the two of you and empty house?  
\- Yeah, but wh... KIRSTIE – Mitch was terrified – Stop!  
\- What? - she laughed – I'm surprised he hasn't kissed you yet!  
\- Come on – freaking blushing – We barely know each other.  
\- And what? He adores you – she smiled – And you seem to like him a lot too!   
\- Stop – he looked away but with a smile.  
\- Promise to tell me everything on Sunday. Oh or maybe we could have a sleepover right after you meet him!  
\- Yes! - Mitch got excited – Amazing!  
\- Great – the bell rang and they quickly collected their stuff – We'll talk about the details later. 

 

The piano was the last that day and Mitch's heart started beating faster when he saw Scott already at the piano.  
\- Hi – he greeted him, sitting at the instrument. The blond smiled at him and ran his fingers down Mitch's arm to his wrist in a comforting motion.  
\- Hey – his voice was sweet – How was your English test?  
\- Easy, honestly I kinda studied for nothing – Mitch smiled, kinda distracted by the touch on his skin – But better this than a test so hard I would leave my paper blank.  
\- True, true – Scott gripped his wrist and started drawing circles with his thumb on the inner part of it, under the sleeve. Mitch almost died so he quickly came back to Scott's face with his gaze.  
\- Do you need me to bring anything on Saturday?  
\- No, just yourself – the blond smiled – I can't wait for this.  
\- Me too – Mitch whispered, seeing the teacher entering the class. Scott didn't let go of his wrist until there was time for practice and even then he still made sure to brush Mitch's arm with his and smile at him from time to time. This boy was amazing and Mitch started actually wishing that he would kiss him on Saturday. Maybe. 

 

The day came faster that Mitch could imagine and his mum dropped him at Scott's who lived pretty close actually.  
\- Have fun – Nel smiled and suddenly tears appeared in her eyes – I'm so happy, Mitchy. You started smiling again and I'm pretty sure it's Scott's fault mostly, hm?  
\- Yeah – Mitch blushed – Actually yes.  
\- So later you're sleeping at Kirstie's and she will drop you home in the morning, yes?  
\- After breakfast, yeah.  
\- Okay. I love you – she hugged her son and Mitch kissed her cheek.  
\- I love you too – he got out of the car and approached the door, a small bag on his arm. Scott opened almost immediately and pulled Mitch inside, closing him in a tight hug for which they never went at school, not wanting attention and rumors.   
\- Hi – the blond's voice was muffled with Mitch's hair. Scott smelled so good and his arms were so warm Mitch never wanted to leave them.  
\- Hi – he answered, relaxing in his embrace.   
\- Let's make some coffee – Scott proposed, letting go of Mitch and taking his jacket – There's kitchen – brunet followed his friend and watched as he made them coffee with chocolate syrup. He also took cookies – I told you I love cookies – he giggled, earning a smile from Mitch – Come on, I'll show you my room and then I thought we could watch a movie?  
\- Yes! I haven't watched any in some time – yeah, since Ellie died – Perfect.  
\- Cool – Scott kicked the door open – That's my kingdom – the room was pretty big, kept in black and white and surprisingly clean. There was a lot of books, keyboard, huge closet and stereo system. Right, Scott was a dancer after all.   
\- I like it here, it's pretty stylish – Mitch nodded, looking around – Wow.  
\- Thanks – Scott put everything on his desk – So you're sleeping at Kirstie's later?  
\- Yeah, you'll drop me to her?  
\- Sure thing – Scott smiled and came closer, almost taking Mitch's breath away – Gossips about out meeting, huh?  
\- No – Mitch blushed heavily, knowing he couldn't fool Scott. The blond laughed:  
\- Sure, sure – he pushed Mitch gently to sit on the bed – I wanted to ask you something if you're okay with that.  
\- Depends on the question.  
\- If it's too much just tell me. So... - Scott bit his lip, looking into his mug and Mitch already knew it wouldn't be pleasurable – What happened that you had to move schools?  
\- Oh – Mitch wasn't expecting that – It's... complicated.   
\- Cause it didn't happen right when Ellie...   
\- You can say that, really.  
\- It didn't happen when Ellie died but later. So there must have been a reason...  
\- Yes, it wasn't because of her death.  
\- Do you wanna tell me?   
\- Huh... - Mitch hesitated – Not really – he expected Scott to be hurt and the mood to fuck up but Scott just smiled at him, his hand resting on Mitch's.  
\- Okay. Not yet.  
\- Maybe not ever – he said honestly.  
\- Maybe – Scott nodded – But please tell me if something is wrong, okay?  
\- Okay – Mitch whispered, his heart fluttering. Scott was perfect, every inch of him was ideal. He laced their fingers together and looked at the blond uncertainly.  
\- I'm really happy that I met you – Scott said, squeezing brunet's hand.  
\- Me too – they were looking into each other's eyes. Mitch had never had a boyfriend but he could recognize the feeling right before a kiss, the anticipation and happiness somewhere in his stomach. But then Scott let go of him and moved away, his cheeks a bit rosy.  
\- We can grab blankets and go downstairs to watch something.  
\- Okay, sure – Mitch took two black blankets from the bed and a plate with cookies.  
\- You prefer pizza or sushi? - Scott asked, leading him to the living room – For dinner.  
\- I've never tried sushi before honestly – Mitch said, throwing blankets onto the huge couch – But I like fish so we can try that.  
\- Okay, so I will order and you can pick a movie, whatever you want – he smiled and went to get his phone. Mitch started scrolling through movies until he found 'Hunger Games'. Oh. Maybe not. Losing a sister is not a good thing to watch maybe. He chose “Nerve” and waited for Scott to come back. The couch was enormous and still he found himself leaning on Scott's chest, between his legs, they both covered with a blanket. Mitch was holding a plate and handing cookies to Scott whenever the blond nudged him gently. It was nice and honestly Mitch could spent his whole life just sitting and cuddling with Scott. But then halfway through the movie their food came and Scott went to take it and pay. He brought everything and they settled it on the table. Scott sat next to Mitch and handed him chopsticks.  
\- I can't really...  
\- Okay, I'll show you – Mitch was a left-handed so it was easy for Scott to gently grab his hand and help him with the proper way of holding the chopsticks. They were so close that the blond's breath was tickling his skin and Mitch completely lost focus on the chopsticks and his gaze wandered to Scott's face. And then he felt a soft, small kiss right behind his ear that made him shiver and another one on his cheekbone. He let go of the chopsticks, lacing his fingers with Scott's and turning his head to properly look at him. So. Damn. Close.   
\- Scott... - Mitch murmured, trying to encourage the blond and then finally. Scott slid his hand into Mitch's hair and pulled him for a delicate kiss, their lips barely brushing, just like the blond wasn't sure if he is allowed to do this. But oh he was. Mitch kissed back, their lips properly linking, and gasped at the feeling. It was extraterrestrial almost. Perfect. But before Mitch managed to think if he should open his mouth a little, Scott pulled back with a small smile. Brunet got scared they would be awkward but Scott just pecked his nose and said quietly:  
\- About these chopsticks...

 

They didn't try kissing any more, especially after eating, but as they were watching and cuddling Scott's hands were wrapped a little bit tighter around Mitch and Mitch had his fingers dancing on the blond's knee the whole time. He could literally fall asleep like this, with Scott holding him. It was safe and comfortable. The movie ended with happy ending what cheered Mitch up even more and then Scott proposed suddenly:  
\- Can I play something for you?  
\- You know I...  
\- Yeah. But please.   
\- Okay – he nodded. It was Scott, he could play for Mitch.   
\- Come – the blond led him towards the grand piano and sat at it, touching the keyboard - You have my heart, and we'll never be worlds apart, maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star. Baby, 'cause in the dark you can't see shiny cars and that's when you need me there. With you I'll always share, because... - Scott started “Umbrella” by Rihanna whom Mitch used to love to death. Her and Beyoncé. Mitch felt huge urge to open his mouth and join with some nice harmony... But he couldn't. He just couldn't - When the sun shines, we shine together, told you I'll be here forever, said I'll always be your friend. Took an oath that I'm a stick it out 'til the end, now that it's raining more than ever, know that we still have each other. You can stand under my umbrella... You can stand under my umbrella...   
\- I wish I could join – brunet whispered making Scott stop and look at him. He didn't answer, giving Mitch much needed time – I miss singing but I can't.  
\- How about humming then?  
\- I... Never tried.  
\- Try now – Scott smiled at him and patted the place next to him – Come, sit.  
\- I won't play. Playing comes with singing.  
\- Okay, just sit and hum with me, how about that?  
\- I guess that's doable.  
\- Great – Scott smiled and patted Mitch's arm before starting to sing again - These fancy things will never come in between, you're part of my entity, here for infinity – he locked his gaze with Mitch who attempted to hum a little - When the world has took its part, when the world has dealt its cards... If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart, because you can run into my arms. It's okay, don't be alarmed. So I'm gonna let the rain pour, I'll be all you need and more because it's raining, raining... Baby, come into me... Ooh, baby, it's raining, raining, but you can always come into me... - the song faded by itself as their gazed stayed locked and Scott leaned closer, going for their second kiss. Mitch gladly followed with his lips eagerly linking with Scott's, as sweetly as the first time but even more emotional. He put his hand on the blond's cheek to keep him closer for longer and smiled as Scott's hands wrapped around his waist. It was so nice and pleasurable, the closeness, safety, warmth. Them two.  
\- Your lips are so soft – Scott whispered when they parted, making Mitch smile even more.  
\- Lip balm – brunet giggled and the blond rolled his eyes playfully.  
\- I like you.  
\- I like you too – they went silent, just looking into each other's eyes and blushing before Mitch's phone started ringing. It was Kirstie – She's asking when I'm gonna come to her?  
\- An hour – Scott answered, fixing Mitch's bangs.   
\- Okay, uh... - Mitch got shy – Thank you. For playing for me and making me hum. It was the closest to singing since my sister...   
\- No problem – Scott's hand rested on brunet's waist and pulled him closer – Whenever and whatever you want.   
\- I'll keep that in mind – this time Mitch went for the kiss, placing his hands on the back of blond's neck – Is that okay...?  
\- That's why I said 'an hour' – Scott chuckled, kissing Mitch sweetly. After a moment his lips slightly parted and his tongue gently licked Mitch's bottom lip, making the brunet to open up for the kiss. Their teeth clashed together but they got the angle right in couple seconds and totally got lost in the sensation. This was new for Mitch. He'd never had a boyfriend before, never got kissed or anything like this. This was really weird and new, but also... Pleasurable. Usually time was like sticky caramel, slow and stretchy but kissing Scott... Kissing Scott made an hour seem like a minute.

 

* * * 

 

\- I can't believe that – Kirstin was giggling in her pink onesie, almost spilling her hot chocolate – Did he ask you to be his boyfriend?   
\- No – Mitch blushed – People still do that? Like... Do you need to be asked? Wasn't this kissing a clear message?  
\- Well, kinda, but like... Oh my gosh if you get together for real I'll start screaming!  
\- Calm down, psycho – Mitch rolled his eyes but couldn't stop smiling. Scott was like a cloud covering his sadness and he needed to hold onto him to keep it that way.   
\- I'm really happy for you – she said, pulling her blanket higher – Like for real. I thought Scott was a jerk, but apparently he has a soft spot for you.  
\- Yeah – Mitch bit his lip, his cheeks rosy – He's amazing... I've never had a boyfriend before, so I don't really know what to do.  
\- Don't try too hard – she answered – He likes you for you, so... Just be yourself.  
\- And you think it's enough?  
\- It was so far – they smiled at each other and Kirstie pressed “play” again on their Netflix show. 

 

* * * 

 

Seeing Scott after their kissing during the weekend was kinda bizarre. They met in the corridor before English and smiled at each other, Mitch blushing furiously. Scott approached him and slowly touched his hand saying quietly:  
\- Hey, how was sleepover?   
\- Hi – Mitch nodded at him – It was good, amazing actually. And how was your Sunday?  
\- I was learning biology for a test and nothing more… I couldn’t wait to see you - Scott’s fingers were caressing Mitch’s wrist   
\- I couldn’t wait to see you too – he smiled even more – We have choir together today, right?   
\- Yeah, we… Hey, what is it? – he moved Mitch’s sleeve higher, noticing the cuts and hissing – What the heck, Mitch?  
\- Don’t touch me – Mitch quickly threw his hand from Scott’s grip and hid his wrist in the sleeve of his sweater – It’s nothing.  
\- Did you do this to yourself? Do you cut?  
\- Leave me alone – Mitch already closed himself from Scott. He didn’t want him to know about it, it was supposed to be a secret and now Scott knew and it was all fucked.   
\- Hey, hey, hey, just talk to me, please – Scott touched his arm – It’s all okay, I won’t tell anyone. You can trust me.   
\- Leave me alone, Scott - Mitch turned around and started walking quickly towards his classroom, totally ignoring Scott. His brain was screaming, his hands shaking. How could Mitch let it slip, how could he be so careless?! This was supposed to be his biggest secret and now Scott knew and everything was ruined. Now Scott will be asking questions Mitch didn’t wanna answer and everyone in school will know that Mitch is a freak.   
He decided against going to English, instead he hid in the bathroom. He slowly rolled his sleeves up and brushed his cuts, there were so many he couldn’t really tell which ones are older or newer because he simply cut over old wounds, his whole forearms were covered in cuts. His fucked up self loved the blood, the way his skin would gave up under the pressure of the blade or razor, the feeling of the warm liquid dripping down his fingers. His mum now made sure he doesn’t have any sharp stuff in his room but she didn’t know about Mitch’s razor that he simply destroyed and now he had the blade hidden in his pencil case. Taking it out was easy and making a long line on his wrist relieving. One was not enough though. He made another and another until his whole left forearm was bloody and a small red puddle appeared on the floor. He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture for his collection. He laughed seeing how many pictures there are… He was crazy. Simply crazy.   
Suddenly the door opened and Scott’s warm voice filled the room:  
– Mitch? Mitch, you there? - Mitch kept quiet, his hand pulsing – Mitch, look, I meant what I said before. I’m not going to force you to speak if you don’t want that. Just… let me help. Please.   
\- Go – Mitch whispered. Scott heard him because he started opening the cabin doors until he opened Mitch’s .  
\- Oh my God… Oh my God… You need ambulance… My phone stayed in class…   
\- Scott – Mitch whispered – I’m okay. Don’t worry about this.   
\- Wait a second – he took some toilet paper and started pressing it to Mitch’s forearm to stop the bleeding – Is it my fault? Did I upset you so much?   
\- Leave it.  
\- No, Mitch, I won’t leave it. I wanna help you and I want you to let me help you. Please… Please.  
\- Why would you care?   
\- Because I like you? And because you deserve only good stuff. Please, Mitch - he slowly caressed Mitch’s cheek – Tell me.  
\- Not now. Not today. I just wanna go.  
\- Home?   
\- No. I don’t know where. I just wanna be gone.   
\- We can go. For a walk. Hm?   
\- You’re skipping piano for me?   
\- You’re more important than piano to me. 

 

* * *

 

_Dear You  
100 days. 100 days since you LEFT. You left me alone here, you promised to always be here for me. I trusted you with this and you left. How could you just die, leaving me and just... being gone!? It's not fair, I gave you so much, I devoted you time, I... I did everything you asked for. You were like my idol, I looked up to you. I literally lost my shit today and screamed at my best friend in the middle of the school because she said your name. I ended up choking on tears in the headmaster's office and mum taking me home. They all wanna help but they know shit.   
Maybe it was my fault? Maybe I should've done more, maybe I should've disagreed for some stuff and you would be alive now? Why me? Why did you do this to me? I did nothing to deserve you leaving me. It's been so long and still I can't stand that you're gone! I fucking miss you, you understand! I need you and you left! LEFT! Left me here with all this shit alone and how can I suppose to live? How, tell me!?_

_Me_


End file.
